ACA Instant Update Support Info
If you're a regular visitor to the ACA, then you're probably also one of the thousands of people who flood our customer service department with technical support emails. And as you know, the ACA's commitment to visitor satisfaction only goes so far. At first we responded to every email. Then every 10th email. Lately we've just been letting them build up so we can reply to about 500 emails all at once. But that's when you started with the "WHAT ABOUT MY EMAIL???" emails. And that's when we broadened our Junk Mail Filtering options.
Since then everything's been good. Except that nagging feeling of guilt. So that's why we decided to make the problem go away once and for all, but THIS time we didn't turn to the organized crime. Well... we just didn't have the money.
So instead of burdening our already overworked Customer Support Staff with the inhuman task of sending a single mass email, we're just making it an update. (wow... we should've thought of this recycling updates thing a long time ago!)
Here you go.
Thank you for your inquiry!
You question has been forwarded to the ACA Customer Service department. All inquiries are addressed in the order they are received. You should receive a response in 2-12 weeks. (closer to 12).
We appreciate your patience and thank you for your continued commitment to ACA quality. If you have further questions requiring immediate assistance, you may reach a member of our technical support staff directly by calling 1-800-0WTF-ACA. Also, you may find an answer to your question in the following list of common complaints about the ACA Instant Update system.
Q: Sometimes when I go to the ACA Instant Updates, nothing is in the main section, even after it finishes loading. There's just a white background? Mostly it's ok, but every once in a while I go there and nothing happens! What's up, ACA??
A: This is normal. The ACA is, in effect, padding it's stats by forcing people to click more times then needed. If we didn't need to increase our hits, we'd just let the page load every single time. But if we ever want to entice the high paying ads we have to have the numbers to back it up, and cheating a little is one way to make it happen. We could just make the page load every other time, but this would seem very annoying, and people would get suspicious. Therefore, the ACA has implemented Slot Machine Psychology in an effort to increase the level of hits it receives. Slot Machine Psychology is the theory, validated by laboratory trials, that an irregular payoff schedule in slot machines results in the greatest number of lever "pulls". For instance, a slot machine that pays off once every 10 pulls earns less money than one which pays off 5 times per 100 pulls, but at random intervals. This randomness (aka the "Luck" element) is what entices the patron to levels of spending whereby the machine may only pay off once every 20 pulls yet they will still be happy... In some cases, moreso. If you think of it that way, the ACA pays off about 19 out of 20 times! You won't find odds like that in any casino!
Q: I saw this great link on the ACA Instant Update page. I wanted to leave a witty comment... You know, to impress the other Interns, but the comment thingy wasn't working or something because some error message came up. Should I keep trying, or email all the other interns directly instead?
A: You should email the ACA Interns directly. The Instant Update Comment system is only available when the ACA's comment backup system (an 88 year old former shorthand instructor) is online. By literally transcribing every comment by hand in the form of meaningless slash marks, the ACA can ensure it's vital data is backed up permanently in the event of a power outage, terrorist attack, or act of an angry god. However, due to backwards compatibility issues, the system occasionally has trouble interfacing with the high level of dynamic content found within our liquid environment. (in other words, the old hag keeps forgetting how to work the $2,800 dollar PC we gave her). We hope to solve our "Legacy" issues soon, but for now the system works... And every ACA comment ever written is safely stored in a broom closet full of recipe boxes.
Q: Ok, I wrote my comment, hit submit, and nothing happened! The next thing I know, my comment is on there like 6 times. Heeeey, what's going on here??
A: We really have no idea. We suggest you keep trying until it goes through, and then delete the extra duplicate comments.
Q: What do you mean?? How can I can't delete comments???
A: Oh yeah... Only ACA Administrators can delete or edit comments. They will routinely delete duplicate comments when they see them. To report a duplicate comment, please send an email to Adam himself.
Q: What do I do if I have more questions?
A: For additional help, please send another email to this address. For an answer to that email, please read this message again from the beginning.
Thank you... The ACA Support Staff.
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